Issues / Philosophical

Whoever said talking to yourself is a sign of a genius was totally talking to himself

Alright, since I refuse to experience my feelings because my objective mind knows they are far too unreliable, unstable, impulsive, and subjective to get near the very fragile, important, life-altering, and already-made decision to not let a fetus continue to grow inside me, and since those feelings aren’t going to leave without a trace, I’m going to instead acknowledge (and hopefully dismiss) them by attempting to understand their evolutionary roots.

Many people are able to let the evolutionary source of their emotions wear a magically convincing disguise named moral values. These people are not aware of the abstraction of their coping mechanism (i.e., the fact that it is a coping mechanism); I know this because I used to be one of them.

I imagine the disguise is just as hard to put back on as it is to take off, as long as I remain sane (literally). It is too bad — it offered a very convenient pathway, however abstract. But I am no longer capable of letting my evolutionary roots represent themselves as moral values of what is right, wrong, just, cruel, sin, etc. And it turns out, my feelings are quite lost without the abstraction. I won’t try to go on to explain how feelings themselves are an abstraction of evolutionary roots as well, because of course the task of removing the mask of feelings becomes irrelevant and meaningless as soon as it’s done. Thankfully, my conscious state and its feelings are abstractions that I am not going to willingly remove any time soon.

And now I’ll apply the context of the situation. While I empathize with those who feel strongly about the moral issues of abortion such as religious sin, killing a soul, etc., my objective mind knows that these principles are magical ideas and has deemed them irrelevant.

And so, along with my objective and well-thought out decision, my lingering feelings are screaming without their abstract pathway to float on. I can’t stand the noise.

Let’s assess these feelings, shall we?

Sadness, doubt, guilt (from the lack of self-authenticity which is from suppressing the feelings themselves), shame, confusion, fear, and probably more.*

* Substitution of some of these feelings for others has been actively and rapidly occurring.**

** It is possible that this is a hormonal symptom of the pregnancy.

I know that the root of all of these are my evolutionary instinct. My desire to reproduce, to pass on my genetic material, is perhaps the most important aspect I am aware of in this favorable process we call “life.” It is not going anywhere, at least not in these environmental conditions. It manifests as me wanting a child. And as the opportunity presents itself, my objective, rational (e.g., you are a broke college student who is still figuring out what she wants to do with her life) mind battles my fearful (e.g., what if this opportunity is not so easy to come by in the future? It is temporally limited) and excited (e.g., aww baby!!) mind.

Ugh, my evolutionary roots are not going to leave just because I am aware of them. Back to feelings…

Unless of course, I can find a disguise superior to moral val–

…Hold that thought, I’ll be back from the liquor store in 5.

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